He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
