Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
