No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
