You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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