My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
