my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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