I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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