Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
