I skipped work to stalk him.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
