i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
birth control should be required to get into college
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
