Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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