im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize