Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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