he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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