It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I looked at my own cervix.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
