I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
