we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Randomize
