i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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