Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
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