my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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