I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
