I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
