and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Randomize
