she woke up with a sticky ear
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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