Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
