Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
