I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
zippers are such a cool invention
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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