I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
