I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
