I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
You should frame my arrest warrant.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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