When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
