It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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