I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
