Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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