I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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