the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
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