Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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