Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
So squirting runs in the family.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
