Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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