I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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