He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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