the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
