My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
