I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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