Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You are the jesus of drinking
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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