I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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