While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
We're too hungover to prance.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
