if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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