just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
