I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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