so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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