i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
