He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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