I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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