i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
