So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize