she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I love you. Go after that dick
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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