I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
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