I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
