And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
