i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
