The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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