I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
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