People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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