Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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