It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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