I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
