I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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